Choose me!

 I don’t want you to be with her. I want you to choose me when it’s the right time. I want to spend the rest of our lives together, I want you more than anything. In the car that night I said I knew you would never leave her that I don’t want you to lose everything… I feel like I’m losing everything by not giving us that chance to be with each other. I want a chance to be truly happy — I think that we can provide each other with that. I want to be there for you, I want to hold your hand and kiss you. God, I love kissing you.

Today

Today is a great day! Tomorrow I will be turning 34, but I feel 24! I have worked really hard this last year to get healthy, become strong and to look good. I am not exactly where I want to be, but I don't completely duck by mirrors and windows anymore. I still hide from the camera as much as possible, but I am getting better at not completely taking myself out of the pictures. Hence, we got family pictures done that were much needed since the last one we had did not have Brody in them. 
A couple years ago I was suffering with pains. I kept going to the doctors and they kept sending me to different specialist. After the last test I decided I was done. I wasn't going to die the way I looked, and so the journey began. The journey to look good in my coffin at my viewing! I still get the pains, but I am not sitting through another one of those agonizing test that are painful and humiliating!  The pains are less frequent. So spread out that I don't even remember when the last one was. (well, Except over the July 4th holiday I had them, but before that it had been months!) I haven't ever been so open about how much pain I was in except with a few individuals. Sometimes by no choice they were just there, and there was no hiding the pain! The pains are in my left side of my head. They are sharp and burning, as soon as they start in my head my left side of my abdomen aches, and makes it so I can't walk, sit or even lay at times.  
Running and strength training have been such a great release! Who would have thought that I would love to run? NOT me, I think Darin  is even surprised. Do you know how many times they went running and I just had to sit at home, because I could not do it. I could literally run 30 seconds with out wanting to die! I will make it to a marathon one day! I hope by next summer actually. My training is going well, and with the help of my trainer, Robbie, I know I will make that goal! The support of Darin and my kids is so overwhelming as well! I have a great fan base, Darin being my #1 fan! 
The stress of seeing my Kyle-Jay grow up so fast has been a hard thing to deal with, but running is getting me through those days that I want to curl up and turn back time. It feels like I just brought him home, and now he is getting ready to graduate, serve a 2 year mission, and he wants to leave home to go to a University out of state. Wow! I have had him in my life since such a young age. We have kind of grown up together and I promised God that if he helped me not mess him up that I would protect him, and now it's almost here; the time that I have to let him go on to the next stage of his life; adulthood! I know you will do great things. All my kids are amazing. I couldn't be more blessed! They all have this passion, and desire to do great things. I see them all work differently, but with the same results; accomplishments! They never give up and I am so grateful for the love and hard work they put into everything they do! It motivates me! 
Well, I have shared a lot of things that I would normally keep to myself, but I am excited that I am conquering obstacles, and I owe a great deal of that to all you! I have the best friends in the world! You all are so very supportive!! Thank you! I love you!! xoxo

Tears

It's weird how right now I just want to cry. I want to curl up in bed and cry. I should be happy. I just got done with the biggest stress that I had going at the moment. Maybe that is why I want to cry. I have been too busy to stop and think about how stressful it all was. Now I am just done and now the tears can flow. What a week. A week that is only half way over but has exhausted me. Sometimes I wonder if I am going to keep up with everything. I don't know. I miss my Lori. She always is there for me it doesn't matter how much time or space is between us she is just there. I can't believe she knew to call me today. She saved me today. I think I'll run a warm bath, put my head in the water so my ears can only hear the sound of the water and let go of all my thoughts. I wish my thoughts would stop. Hopefully a warm bath, some sleeping pills and good nights rest will allow me to forget the stress of today.

Let's Laugh

Let's laugh! I find myself needing to laugh, to giggle uncontrollably today! To look at life and laugh in it's face! I got myself in a pickle this week. Too many things to do and only one me. Okay, all you that know me this is a lie! I'm in a pickle every week, and you know what I make it through, somehow. My sleep is interrupted by constant reminders of what I have for the week, what I need for the week (what they need, actually) So, I need to laugh!! I need to smile. Pinterest has the auto spell check changes that people have sent to friends and family. Hilarious! Not working today though. My favorite go to make me laugh is the story my neighbor Kris told me. He was draining fluids out of his car when all of a sudden he was covered in red. He just laid there under the car wondering what do I do now? All of a sudden a cop, fire trucks, ambulances are at his house a cop kicks his foot, and Kris said; hey! The cop jumped back and said a neighbor thought you were dead and called us. They thought the red was blood. This usually makes me chuckle, NOT today! I need to laugh. First one to make me laugh I will be so grateful!

Off to school

Today was Tyler's first day of Kindergarten. He handled it like a pro. He even ate breakfast there with help from his big sister. Wow! It feels like I just brought him home from the hospital. Really, It feels like I just brought Kyle-Jay home and he is 16. I cried like a baby when I dropped him off for his first day of Kindergarten. Sadly to say I cried for a good week. My life is changing so fast. My kids growing. I love my kids so much. I love seeing them grow and learn. It is so wonderful to hear their stories. It just goes by to fast. I hope they know how proud of them, how strong, smart and beautiful they are.

When the easiest things become the hardest things. It was so hard to hit that enter key a little while ago, so I thought, but a slight bump by an ankle biter at my side it was hit. It wasn't what I wanted to say though, not really, but there was no way to erase it now and go back. The panic set in and than there it was the dreaded response; 2 simple words; okie dokie, no fight, no why, no nothing, so maybe it was suppose to be said the way it was said? I hate those 2 words now, by the way! Why is everything so complex even simple things? So, I barely even remember writing that first paragraph, it was a few months ago, but I think it has to do with the same thing I need to get out of my system today. Sometimes what seems to be simple can be the hardest things to do. Maybe, we put it off for to long and now it's that lurking addiction that you can't help but think will fade someday. Sometimes the reasoning behind it all was never expected. It is something you never thought you would have to prepare for, so you were unprepared. Mixed emotions are a hard thing to deal with. I find myself with so many emotions. My emotions are jumping from anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, and utter failure. One minute I am running coming around the corner with tears rolling down my face and the next happy or mad. I hate these feelings. I hate that I am nothing. Nobody. Everything to some and nothing to me.

Renewed

I feel so blessed today. I feel like these last couple of months I have become somewhat lost. Today I have been found. I am so grateful for the Gospel in my life. I am so happy that I have it in my life. Today's Sacrament talks were about sharing the gospel, in being a good neighbor, in fellow-shipping. These talks reminded me how needed I truly am.
Being a mom of 4 and a wife bogs you down sometimes. You feel like you are walked on, mistreated and taken advantage of. The talks related to my life by showing me that this is the way I show them how much I love them. If I feel like I wasn't given anything in return I need to get over that and know that I did it for them with no expectations. When you do something for someone to receive something back, you are doing it for all the wrong reasons.