When the easiest things become the hardest things. It was so hard to hit that enter key a little while ago, so I thought, but a slight bump by an ankle biter at my side it was hit. It wasn't what I wanted to say though, not really, but there was no way to erase it now and go back. The panic set in and than there it was the dreaded response; 2 simple words; okie dokie, no fight, no why, no nothing, so maybe it was suppose to be said the way it was said? I hate those 2 words now, by the way! Why is everything so complex even simple things? So, I barely even remember writing that first paragraph, it was a few months ago, but I think it has to do with the same thing I need to get out of my system today. Sometimes what seems to be simple can be the hardest things to do. Maybe, we put it off for to long and now it's that lurking addiction that you can't help but think will fade someday. Sometimes the reasoning behind it all was never expected. It is something you never thought you would have to prepare for, so you were unprepared. Mixed emotions are a hard thing to deal with. I find myself with so many emotions. My emotions are jumping from anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, and utter failure. One minute I am running coming around the corner with tears rolling down my face and the next happy or mad. I hate these feelings. I hate that I am nothing. Nobody. Everything to some and nothing to me.

Renewed

I feel so blessed today. I feel like these last couple of months I have become somewhat lost. Today I have been found. I am so grateful for the Gospel in my life. I am so happy that I have it in my life. Today's Sacrament talks were about sharing the gospel, in being a good neighbor, in fellow-shipping. These talks reminded me how needed I truly am.
Being a mom of 4 and a wife bogs you down sometimes. You feel like you are walked on, mistreated and taken advantage of. The talks related to my life by showing me that this is the way I show them how much I love them. If I feel like I wasn't given anything in return I need to get over that and know that I did it for them with no expectations. When you do something for someone to receive something back, you are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

How to Start! 

This is so new to me. I have always found writing a personal way to let myself out. To share it with others is terrifying. I think this may be a very therapeutic process for me. My walls will come down. I will be viewed in a whole new light. Which what I am finding out about everyone's assumptions is; I am such a better person in their mind than I should be given credit for. I wish I could live up to some of these assumptions. It's not that I am putting them out there, I think a lot of it has to do with how I look. For example people look at me and assume I am this soft spoken young lady. I am definitely judged daily on how I look. I look young.

 I don't put myself out there completely, because people assume things about me and when I don't live up to those assumptions they walk away. I have lost to many people I loved and put my trust in to, and when they find out that I am not this shy person they can't walk all over, it becomes to much of an effort. I am either greatly loved or hated. Sadly, there is no in between. I can't conform to the ways that people see me. I have to be true to myself, and to my faith. I found that self on August 21st, 1997 at the age of 18. That was the day I was baptized. I will blog about that day soon. It is a monumental day for me. 

Why do I think it is because I look young. I'll tell you. Every introduction, church, school, between friends, it gets brought up. It gets brought up so much that I find myself just saying it to get it out of the way. I have been at PTA functions where region people that I have talked to on the phone say, "oh, who are you" when I meet them in person. I respond; "Kristi Critchlow" and they comment back; "no, I know, Kristi, I've spoken with her". ( I think I know who I am) They view me as someone completely different, older, than I am. People will ask me when I graduated and than I can see them counting in their head to see how old I am. When I get asked by complete strangers how old I am I reply, Oh in my thirties, I owe it to Mary Kay. It kills them that I don't say my real age. It's usually people who say I can't believe you have a daughter who is whatever age she is at the time, and I was 22 when I had her. You should see their mouths drop when I say, oh she has a brother who is 5 years older. 

I don't know what this blog will entail, but I hope you will laugh and help me in my journey not try to live up to the standards I feel I must live up to, because I can't live up to them. I will however live up to being the best me I can be.